I don’t know about you, but I’ve been curious about sex parties for a while now. And I’ve finally decided to do something about it. By the time you’re reading this, I’ll have been to my very first sex party.

‍

It feels WILD writing that. Because it’s taken me a long time to get to the point of making this fantasy a reality.

‍

Growing up in the suburbs, group sex was a big taboo. My mum used hushed tones to talk about the “swingers” two doors down. To be honest, I think they just liked sunbathing in their undies.

‍

And for most of my adult life, sex parties have only existed in porn/as some mythical land that only the initiated get to experience. Having a threesom was but a distant dream when I first moved to the big city, and the closest I got was getting naughty in the bedroom at a house party.

‍

But times are changing. Firstly, I’m much more in touch with my sexuality than I used to be (perks of having early access to the GASM app). Secondly, sex parties feel more accessible and less stigmatized than they used to. I’ve noticed mates throwing sex parties into conversation as casually as a night at the movies. People I’ve dated have invited me to come play.

‍

To begin with, I politely declined, settling for liking their kinky Instagram pics from afar (read: in bed with a beer). But no matter how great bed beers feel (an upgrade on the shower beer, IMHO), I suspect a sex party is better. So I said YES PLEASE to one of those invites.

‍

OK maybe it was more of an ummm, yes? Because while I’m proud of myself for making this fantasy a reality, I’m also nervous. Like, what actually happens at a sex party? Will I like it? Will people like me? What do I wear? Will it be REALLY OBVIOUS it’s my first time?

‍

Luckily, another major advantage of interning at sex tech company is all the experts on hand to dole out advice. So I ran around the office like an especially horny news reporter, quizzing them with all my burning questions. If, like me, you’re also curious about attending your first sex party, here’s what they said…

‍

How to have a bangin’ time at your first sex party (without necessarily bangin’)

‍

1. Don’t overthink it.

‍

Going to your first sex party is a big step, and that decision definitely requires some self-enquiry. There are some fantasies that you may never want to act upon, and that’s totally fine. But while it’s worth reflecting on what’s true for you, notice if too much thinking is holding you back from pursuing your desires. Sometimes, you’ve just gotta take that leap of faith.

‍‍

2. Consider the options.

‍

There’s a whole world of sex parties out there, catering to different identities, sexualities, fetishes, and preferences. First of all, be mindful of your own identity in the spaces you’re showing up in. For example, some parties are femme or queer-only spaces, which won’t be suitable for you if you’re a cis-het guy.

‍

Parties should always state their clientele and themes upfront, but if you’re not sure about anything, you can always call the club or organizer to check.

‍‍

3. Respect their rules.

‍

And on that note, be sure to respect the party rules. These should be clearly communicated by the hosts, either on the event website/ticket page or at a pre-party workshop. Check these thoroughly, as they may vary from party to party.

‍

Generally, the most important rules to be aware of are:

‍

Practicing enthusiastic consent.

‍

If it ain’t a “fuck yes”, it’s a “fuck no”. We’ll go into this in more detail in tip eight, but bear in mind that this applies to everyone present, which may make group stuff a no-go. Let’s say you’ve spotted a spicy moresome that you’d like to join. Asking for consent from every single person might kill the vibe if they’re already going for it. In this case, leave them to it unless you’re explicitly invited (FYI, orgies are often planned in advance).

‍

• Practicing safe sex.
  
  As with any sexual encounter, know your STI status, and bring plenty of lube and protection (lots of parties will supply these, but always a good idea to carry your own stash, so you’re ready to go whenever the mood strikes).

‍

• Follow the dress code.
  
  If you’ve ever tried getting into a fancy club in your Nikes (same), you’ll know that there’s no point trying to get into sex parties in your civvies. So embrace the dress code and don your kinkiest gladrags — more on this in tip six.

‍‍

4. Respect your own rules.

‍

Whether it requires a conversation your partner or yourself, you want to go into a sex party feeling clear and confident in your own rules. A tool called “BID”, which stands for Boundaries, Intentions and Desires, can be really helpful here.

‍

• Boundaries = things you don’t want to do. It could be a particular act (like penetration) or if you’re with a partner, you might agree what is and isn’t OK e.g. having sex with each other vs. having sex with other people.
• Intention = your mindset e.g. “I am open to trying knew things”.
• Desires = things you would like to experience e.g. kissing a stranger, a threesome, watching others.

‍

It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, so holding yourself (and, if applicable, your partner) to these ground rules is key to making sure everyone has a good time.

‍

5. Buddy up.

‍

Speaking of partners, taking a buddy along can be a great way to feel more comfortable, safe and relaxed. It doesn’t have to be a partner, either. Sex-positive apps like Feeld and Pure are great places to find buddies, plus a lot of events will have a social before where you can warm up and make new pals.

‍‍

6. Dress for the occasion.

‍

As we covered earlier, it’s really important to embrace the dress code. Because when it comes to sex parties, effort is sexy. Not only will it help you get into the festive (or fetish) spirit, but what everyone wears sets the tone for the general vibe of the party — so don’t kill it with your faded old Calvins.

‍

Although the clothes might end up coming off, you don’t have to go full-frontal to begin with. Prioritize what makes you feel comfortable and sexy. Here are some of the GASM team’s fave places to shop for party fits:

‍

• Depop, Vinted, EBAY
• Your local hardware store (great for chains)
• Honour (use code XGASM20 for 20% off ;p)
• ASOS (search for mesh, leather, wetlook PVC)
• Effenberger Couture

‍

7. Here for the vibes.

‍

Just because you’re going to a sex party, it doesn’t mean you have to have sex. That’s why kinky shindigs are often referred to as “play” parties. It’s OK to latex up, rock up and simply enjoy the vibes. Maybe the feeling of hanging out with some skin on show is enough for you. Or you find it liberating to connect with open- and like-minded people.

‍

Sex parties can be an amazing way to explore and find what feels right for you.

‍‍

8. Communicate with confidence.

‍

As we made clear in point three, enthusiastic consent is number one on the agenda for a safe, fun and respectful sex party. And this applies for all types of interactions, not just sexual acts. Whether you’d like to hug someone, kiss someone, watch someone, get down and dirty with someone, or tell them they have an exquisite ass, always ask first.

‍

Hopefully this already feels familiar in the case of sexy stuff, but it can feel a bit unnatural to say “Can I give you a compliment?” — how often do we do that in every day life, right? (And we probably should).

‍

If you’re worried about fudging it, your best bet is a confident delivery. Try practicing your lines before the party, so you have some go-to phrases up your sleeve (or in the absence of that, under your leather collar).

‍

And if someone says no? Handle rejection gracefully and respectfully. Sex-posi play party community, Hacienda, recommends using this safe line if you’re in the midst of an awkward rejection: “Thank you for taking care of yourself.”

‍

9. Don’t rely on Dutch courage.

‍

Drinks and drugs lower our inhibitions, so we often turn to them when we’re feeling a bit nervous. However, going too hard on the substances can affect our awareness and decision-making, which isn’t helpful for sensitive situations, like asking for and giving consent. On top of that, a clear head can help you feel more present and heighten your sensory perception, making for a more pleasurable experience.

‍

10. So…how was it?

‍

Congrats mate, you’ve attended your first sex party! As you’re basking in the afterglow, now’s the time to reflect on the experience. How was it for you? How was it for your partner/buddy/new playmates? Feedback is a great tool for deepening your relationship with yourself and others, and it’s a big part of kinky culture to check in with partners afterwards. That way, you can make each party more exciting, nourishing and fulfilling than the last.

‍

Conclusion

‍

If you’re a bundle of excited nerves when it comes to attending your first sex party, I feel you. Sexual adventures can feel daunting, but at the same time, the payoff for being brave is immense: leading to richer connection, deeper intimacy, higher confidence, and, most importantly, a whole lotta fun.

‍

Remember, sex parties aren’t everyone’s cuppa, and that’s more than OK too. But if you are curious, follow these tips to go forth and party!

‍

Big love,

GASM’s Horny Intern x

‍